Ask the editor: How to make a pig of oneself Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Before I begin the regular meat of the column, wherein I answer everything from everyone, a brief footnote. Helen ? from ? dropped me a card in reference to a recent column in which I chided Irma from Goatsville. I strongly hinted that Irma was pulling my leg, and that Goatsville, Wis., was obviously a bogus locale. Not so, says Helen. Goatsville is in Oconto County, just north of Spruce in the Oconto Falls area. In trying to track Helen's place of residence (she simply lists a county trunk in Oconto County), I find that she is from West Goatsville and, so, she should know. Now, on to the regular fare ... Jack S. of Lange's Corners leads off: "How successful have the experimental transplants of pigs' hearts into humans been? I have a degenerative heart condition, and I'm trying to calculate all my options." Answer: The transplants have had mixed results, Jack. According to Dr. M.C. Infraction - the lead cardiologist on the University of Swift Current, Saskatchewan, team exploring this bold, new technology - there have been several setbacks. Of the seven patients who volunteered for the procedure, six have died (not including the pigs who received no organ substitute for their own hearts), but one (human) is doing fine. Except for an insatiable desire to dig up roots with his face, the lone survivor is leading an otherwise normal life. Indeed, this CEO of a major energy firm says he feels even more fit than ever to perform his necessary corporate functions. Albert B. of Stiles has the second question: "I hear Jimmy the Greek is predicting the Packers will play in the Super Bowl this season. You're a Green Bay news-type guy. What do you think?" Answer: I think the Greek's got it right. Of course, Albert, there are always a few caveats: First, we need to keep our star players in good health. Second, we need to keep our star players out of jail. Third, and most important, fans need to ooh and aah about the new digs that taxpayers in the county of Brown have so generously provided the team. If we don't, Bob Harlan has threatened to move the Packers to Kaukauna where our star players will take one whiff of the air and keel. Teams from New Jersey, Cleveland and Houston are used to foul air and will have a significant advantage. And there goes the Super Bowl, Greek or no Greek. Cornelius J. of Ledgeview gets the last question: "I'm so confused by all these bridge referendums in De Pere that I could cry. Can you explain exactly what's going on and offer some informed opinion into the best route to take?" Answer: Dry your tears, Cornelius. It's really quite simple. Voters have been given three possible choices to remedying the congestion caused by that eenie-teenie, two-lane bridge funneling approximately 4.3 million vehicles per day. And that's what the referendums were about. Question 1 proposed rerouting every third SUV into a dead-ended parking lot behind an unnamed downtown mill, there to remain until a Huey chopper would airlift them to the other side. Taxpayer's cost: $2.6 trillion a year, split three ways by the city, state and Oneida Nation (every fourth chopper trip would take the SUVs to the casino). Question 2 called for replacing the downtown bridge with a two-level, two-lane slotcar track refashioned to take standard automobiles and zip them over to the State 172 bridge, where speed and collisions would make for great driving and spectator fun. Taxpayer cost: $94.7 million for the slotcar track and $32,000 annually for the two 12-year-olds hired to be at the controls "guiding" the cars across. Question 3 proposed tearing down the existing bridge, leveling the De Pere business sections on both sides of the river, relocating St. Norbert College and building a 10-lane toll bridge that goes right from US 41 to your front yard, Cornelius. Self-funding. No cost to taxpayers. My solution is to tear that sucker down and bring in the ferry from Merrimac. It could transport the cars down the river and up the bay, depositing them in Door County where, as we all know, there is unlimited bridge-crossing capacity.