Ask an editor: Whence such breathtaking news? By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle editor Maybe it's the outbreak of war in Iraq, maybe it's pure intellectual curiosity, I'm not sure, but the questioners this week seem to be obsessed with the media. Of course, they've turned to the sine qua non of media experts: moi. Read on ... Robert J. of Green Bay asks: "Your newspaper has just a whole bunch of wire services - Associated Press, New York Times, Christian Science Monitor, Washington Post, etc. Which one do you rely on most for getting the complete story?" Answer: Actually, Bob, it's none of the above. Through my three-plus decades in journalism, I've found that no source tells the actual, honest-to-God, complete truth better than the Weekly World News. One cannot subscribe to this fount of little-known information, however. One must go to the local grocery store and purchase it for $2.79. (Knowledge worth having is knowledge worth the price.) I hold in my hands the issue from March 11, 2003, and I now summarize its breathtaking scope of news for those who want to be in-the-know. Headline: New Jersey woman finds Hitler's mummified head! Summary: A bargain-hunting wife bought a bowling bag at a rummage sale, hoping to please her bowling-bagless husband. She opened it up at home and, whoa!, Hitler's head rolls out. At first, the woman thinks the head resembles an old boyfriend, but then she realizes it looks more like the wallpapering monster. The head is being subjected to DNA tests. The husband loves the bag but says it smells funny. Headline: Saddam's secret life. Summary: It just so happens that Saddam Hussein has a psychiatrist (duh!), and the shrink spills his guts to WWN. Saddam is a transvestite who plays with dolls fashioned in the likenesses of Tony Blair and George W. Bush. He clutches them to his breast, the good doctor says, and asks, "Why won't you love me?" Headline: What a rip! Man to wed woman who clawed off his privates! Summary: Dennis Ross's girlfriend caught him cheating on her, so she tore off one of his testicles in a fit of rage. A hospital reattached the severed organ, and Ross says he plans to marry his assailant as soon as she is released from her 81-day jail sentence. Ah, a love story! Other headlines that make this a must-read for those who want to be regarded as part of the intelligentsia: - Woman pregnant 14 years. ( "By the end of the seventh year, I was beginning to show. The last four years were the worst ... ") - Today's kids sniff cow chips. - Californians banned from heaven. - "Hubby's ghost is haunting my septic tank." - Giant pile of prehistoric poop found. - "Screaming houseplant saved my life." - Traveling hubby sends wife frozen sperm ... as an anniversary present! - World's most expensive coffee is made from cat poop - and is good to the last dropping! - Fat cannibals go on all-pygmy diet. So, there you go, Bob. I have come to utterly depend on WWN for news I KNOW could not be found elsewhere. Because of it, I am a hit at cocktail parties while the bureau chief from the Associated Press goes largely ignored. And, then there's this from Carol S. of Howard: "What do you have to do to be a war correspondent on television? Does it take something special?" Answer: Indeed it does, Carol: a REALLY cool name. Would you have listened to Wolff Blitzer if his name was Clem Schniedewind? Would you pay the least bit attention to Harry Klumpfit reporting live from Kuwait, as opposed to Shepard Smith or Trace Gallagher or Major Garrett or Kit Hoover? Take my advice: "Carol" won't cut it. Try "Starr" or "Lancette" or "Turelane." It doesn't matter that none of these is your real name any more than it did for the broadcasters mentioned above. When you learn how to make things up in a fetching way, you've mastered the most prized of all journalistic skills. Tom Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through regular mail (P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, WI 54306) or e-mail, [email protected].