Ask an editor how to get tickets By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Never in the long, celebrated history of this column have we had questions of such urgency, such significance as we do today. Let's get right to them, shall we? We shall ... Larry L. of Norfolk, Va., asks one of the most important questions of our times: "How do I get Packers tickets?" Answer: There are several ways. Here are, in my opinion, the best: 1. Become a relative of a member of the board of directors. This might be especially fruitful if you have a good-looking daughter or sister, because the board is all male, and most of them fall into the old-fogie category. A wink here, a batted eye there and - poof - tickets! 2. Rob the Brink's truck that brings the tickets into town. This could be a simple three-person job, unless you want to get fancy-schmancy. Two good-looking female accomplices put brats on the grill and a case of Bud out next to it as part of a mid-week tailgate party. They give the Brink's guys the come-hither, tickle them under the chin and stuff 'em full of Johnsonvilles whilst you pilfer the prized tickets from the truck. Or, you could just poison the guards, and be done with it. 3. Become a member of the sheriff's department. Granted, when they act as stadium security agents they don't get to sit down during the game, but at least you're inside Lambeau. And you get a nice, shiny pistol, too. 4. Hire a plastic surgeon to make you look exactly like Gilbert Brown. NOBODY questions him when he walks through the gate. (Tip: Don't forget to limp a little because of your gimpy knee. Many a Gilbert look-alike has been foiled because of this.) 5. Apply for season tickets. I believe there are only 4,327,692 fans ahead of you but, hey, a whole bunch of them are going to die before they get tickets, and if you're blessed with longevity, yours should arrive in the mail sometime in 2184. Hope to see you the next time the television camera pans the crowd at Lambeau, Larry. Don't forget your green body paint and some kind of stupid hat. Ginny K. of Lansing, Mich., is faced with a common, out-of-state dilemma: "My husband and I are planning to vacation this summer in Wisconsin. I'm not the camp-and-fish type, so I'm looking for inside tips on what to see and do in your state without having to battle mosquitos, sleep in a stinky tent or remove the guts from some dead thing. What do you suggest?" Answer: Instead of making you wait for my soon-to-be-released book, "Wisconsin for Woosies," I'll give you the Cliff Notes version. Don't miss the Wisconsin Wailing Wall. No, you don't have to be Jewish to attend; just go to a Brewers' game and join the after-game crowd bawling their eyes out along the western wall of Miller Park. The Dells is featuring a new attraction just for Michiganders this year. It's called the Alligator Ride. You leave your wallet with the attendant (you wouldn't want to lose it in the Wisconsin River, now would you?) and board these big, alligator-looking things that take you for a thrill-packed trip down river. Now comes the fun part: They're REAL alligators! Kiss your troubles good-bye, Ginny. Scandinavian Days in the picturesque burg of Iola is another popular tourist highlight. Artisans from all over the state set up booths and sell their wares there. Attendees (that would be you) are assigned an honest-to-God Scandinavian guide to accompany you. Whenever you see something you'd like to buy, your guide intercedes on your behalf. "No, that's yoost too much, you dingy-dong teef," the guide says to vendor after vendor. You'll save a bundle. After two hours of walking around in the heat, you'll get a kick out of attempting to buy a beverage and a bit to eat. "Yoo don't need dat dere stoof," your guide will say. "It's yoost yunk food, anyvay." Finally, if you don't want to have an encounter with anything that smacks of nature in the rough, you MUST take the ferry to Madeline Island out of Bayfield. You'll pays $175 (each) to visit a quaint island community that in every way resembles a suburb of Lansing. Fred M. of Kohler wraps things up: "How did the expression 'Jumpin' G. Hosaphat' come about?" Answer: It's a biblical reference, Fred. In the Book of Kings, there's story about the hugely popular Phoenician monarch Hosaphat. He elicited such excitement from his subjects that they would shout the phrase you've mentioned. Thus, it's an expression of astonishment. The first part of the phrase comes about because Hosaphat had been a gold-medal winner in the 2786 B.C. Olympics high-jump contest. (We know this because archaeologists have found the actual medal with the 2786 B.C. date on it!) The "G" refers to his first name: Gary. Tom Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through regular mail (P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, WI 54306) or e-mail, [email protected].