Haughty in Houghton By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Well. I certainly got an earful this week from some ultra-loyal alumnae of Michigan Tech University, located in WONDERFUL Houghton, Mich., which is famous not only for its FANTASTIC school of higher learning but for world-record amounts of snowfall. You will recall two weeks ago Hans of De Pere asked my sage advice on attending that institution and, being an expert on everything (because, as you know, I AM an editor), I provided a few brilliant insights. Apparently, the editor of an electronic newsletter sent to MTU alums posted a web link to this particular bit of masterful literature, and some 40-plus grads of that frozen Mecca of engineering graciously took time away from their six-figure jobs to e-mail me their reactions. As difficult as it may be to believe, a few of them took umbrage with my comments. Rather than reply to each and every e-mail, I sent a VERY thoughtful response to the newsletter editor in hopes he would post it to his fellow MT colleagues. However, it is only fair that the millions of others who read this column on a weekly basis be let in on the conversation, just in case they, too, had similar questions. Here is the gist of it: Dear Newsletter Editor: One of your alumnae chums suspects you are behind the flood of e-mail I received from MTU grads. There were a few questions they asked me and, if you would be so kind to relay this to them, you'd save me a lot of work. Q - Have I ever been to Houghton? A - No. Q - Do I ever intend to go to Houghton? A - Hell no. Q - Do I know how to spell Houghton? A - Not without looking it up. Q - What are Cliff Notes? A - Much-condensed versions of classical novels - stuff only liberal arts majors have to sweat (if liberal arts majors sweat about anything). Q - Was I serious or making a (failed) attempt at humor? A - That depends on your perspective. People around here found it enlightening, entertaining and informative - as they do ALL the things I write. Q - Did I do any research at all in formulating my response? A - Of course (I'm a journalist, after all). My information comes from "Jane's Book of Cold-Weather Learning Centers" and personal interviews with MIT honor students who had flunked out of Michigan Tech. Q - Wasn't that comment about "inflatable girlfriends" and "frigid women" inaccurate, in poor taste and totally politically incorrect? A - Judging by the comments I received from female MTU grads, I would have to say (in order) no, probably and of course. Q - What makes me think Green Bay, the self-proclaimed Toilet Paper Capital of the World, is any better than Houghton? A - I don't. About a year ago (and this is the GOD'S TRUTH) the museum in Green Bay had a major exhibit celebrating the evolution of the toilet. I think it was titled, "From Outhouse to Your House." That explains Green Bay's cultural level pretty well. Q - Do I even have a degree? A - Yes, from the Arnando School of Mixology. My senior thesis was on "Libations of Middle-Ages Monks: Why Celibacy and Manhattans Went Hand-In-Hand." (Now, don't you regret being so snippy?) Q - Is my column stuck in a place where the sun doesn't shine? A - My proctologist found no trace of it, but told me to come back in another six months for a re-examination. I hope this clarifies things. Again, my thanks to all those Tech grads who took time to share their innermost thoughts with me. I believe we have a true bonding thing going on here. Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306.