It started with a sausage slam By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Ah, the games people play. Or don't play. What the Milwaukee Brewers are doing, for example, is - for the most part - MIS-playing the game of baseball. But, with my encyclodepic knowledge of everything, including games-playing, I am in the perfect position to address our first question ... Clarence J. of Ootsburg asks, "What do you think they should do to that guy who hurt the Sausage Girl at Miller Park? They ought to hang him, in my opinion." Answer: It's the competitive nature of professional athletes, Clarence; one guy makes a splash, and more are sure to follow. Otherwise, how do you explain the following ...? After Randall Simon of the Pittsburgh Pirates plinked one of the Sausage Girls (who, by the way, are soon to release a CD with songs bashing the war in Iraq) by batting a ball at her, I understand the Brewers attempted the same thing in retribution. They sent slugger Richie Sexson over to the Pirates' dugout with a fistful of balls to hit at the benchsitters. But Sexson missed on three successive swings, something Brewer fans have witnessed all season long. Interestingly, Simon's bizarre behavior fit right in with the arrests of basketball stars Darrell Armstrong and Damon Stoudamire, the former for assaulting a woman outside of a (surprise, surprise) night club, the latter for trying to sneak a meatloaf-sized pack of dope past Tucson airport security. Then there's Kobe Bryant, another roundballer who's being investigated for playing unwanted patty cake with a woman in a spa. ("As long as I'm in hot water already...") Meanwhile, William "The Fridge" Perry, former sumo lineman for the Chicago Bears, continued his under-performing ways by getting his butt kicked in a hot-dog eating contest. Perry could only wolf down four red hots, while a 100-pound weakling from the Orient gobbled down 44. Even when Perry bites, he bites. Do not despair, oh, Ootsburgian: Competition is what makes this country great. Fanny F. of Bear Creek takes a swing of her own: "The state says we've got to come up with a master plan for the village's future. I guess this is a law now, and we've got a deadline drawing near. Why do we need to do this? Isn't county zoning enough? Isn't this just another case of government shoving more regulations down our throats?" Answer: Comprehensive planning has been such a success in Wisconsin that the state wants EVERYONE to share in its blessings, Fanny. Without planning, you'd have nursing homes built right next to meat-packing plants, which we all know is a bad thing (those old people playing bingo scare the hell out of the cattle, and the meat taints). Simply put, the state wants things to make sense. Just as they do in the big cities. Planners put things in balance. There's a reason why you have a McDonald's next to a health-food store. Used-car lots are located close to loan-shark outlets. Fat people's clothes shops are right across the street from fitness centers. Casinos share the same block with financial counselors. Those things don't happen by accident, you know. They require PLANNING. And, no, county zoning isn't enough! Ride through the outskirts of any county, and what do you see? Nothing but farm after farm after farm! Where's the imagination in that? Where are the tattoo parlors, the pawn shops, the dirty-magazine stores, the video rentals with nothing but 13-year-old VHS movies? I'll tell you where: NOWHERE! Don't rural folks deserve the kind of commercial diversity that urban folks are used to. WHERE'S THE JUSTICE IN THAT, HUH?!! That's why the state had to step in, Fanny. Left to your own, you'd probably just go on auto-pilot and keep the countryside full of farms. Jeesh. Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306.