Irony by the load, or the road By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle A lot of weird puzzlements this week, almost all with some sort of ironic twist. Despite my jabs, you really are getting more clever in your questions. If you don't believe me, just read on ... From Tom J. in Neopit: "Do you think R.J. Reynolds allows smoking in its work places? If not, how do they justify peddling cigarettes?" Answer: Whoa! What a loaded question, Tom. To get an answer, I called up the human resources department for this corporate king of butts. Here's what the head honcho had to say: "Although (cough, cough) state and federal bureaucrats are impulsively basing their directives upon conclusions (hack, hack) which are not supported by our industry's decades-long research (hrrraaak, hrrraaak, patooey), we will abide by these foolish governmental directives (whoof, wheeze, hack, hrrraaak) because we are good corporate citizens and respect the laws of the land, and - excuse me, I have to use this inhalator for a moment (whoosh, whoosh ... aaahh) - there, OK, where was I?" And so on ... Literally smoke and mirrors, Tom, smoke and mirrors. Gervase H. of Duvall continues along the same line: "I was out West this summer and almost wrecked the car when I saw a roadside sign that read; 'Illiterate? Write to us for help.' (As you would say, 'this is the honesttagod truth'!) I mean, how stupid can you get?" Answer: Oh, pretty stupid, Jerry. The other day I caught a radio commercial that was hawking hearing aids. And there's an ad on one of the cable TV stations for people suffering from near-blindness. Hit any one of these genius marketers in the nose and you'll break his index finger. My buddy Curt sent me photos of dumb signs sighted around the country. One was a huge banner going across the top of a building that said, "Going out of business!" In the window of the store itself, there was a sign that said, "Now hiring." Don't you just LOVE America? Bill L. of Rose Lawn has the final one: "Am I imagining things, or are the Chicago Cubs actually in contention for post-season play? How can this be?" Answer: Uh, Bill ... this is WISCONSIN. Nobody in Wisconsin cares about Major League Baseball unless their last names are Selig. And even then... And why would anyone from WISCONSIN care about a team from CHICAGO, fergodsake? The only thing from Chicago we like, Bill, is Chicago MONEY. Get the FIBs up here, separate them from their wallets and send 'em back home. That's our motto. There's a web site devoted strictly to this (breakwind.com). It's required browsing for anyone doing business in Door County, Eagle River, Green Lake, Wisconsin Dells or Minocqua. F'rinstance, it shows you how to buy little birchbark canoes from China, mark them up 7,000 percent and then just wait for carloads of marks from the Windy City to gobble 'em up. But, I digress. Just between the two of us (don't ever make this public, because I'll deny it with my last, dying key stroke), I, too, am a Cubs fan. So is St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes. A word from the many-times burned: Don't buy series tickets yet, Bill. Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306. All questions are subject to full disclosure under Patriot Acts I and II (but we might tell them that our dog ate your letter).