Football season? Not around here By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle You know, a person reading this column from Anywhere, USA would have a tough time understanding that it emanates from Green Bay, Wisconsin, known throughout the entire civilized world for only one thing ... POLLUTION. No, no - just a little joke there. Actually, Green Bay's reputation as the HUB of the pro football universe is, for the most part, simply assumed by this humble editor. Green Bay IS football. F'rinstance, nobody in this town says, "It's football season." Instead, we say, "It's Packer sea- son," as though the team existed simply to play shirts-against-the-skins inter-squad games all year. No. I've pretty much steered clear of all that Packers' hoopla at risk of being labeled one of those "cheerleader" journalists. But, our first question forces me out of the closet... Trina H. of Clarington, Ohio, an avid Packers fan who keeps up with the honestagod America's Team via our Web site, e-mails me this inquiry: "How could Mike Sherman be so calm in his post-game interview after our Packers lost another game to a bunch of stiffs like Arizona? Do they prep NFL coaches on how to handle the press? Or is he just naturally so composed?" Answer: Restraint comes with a great deal of practice, Trina, and head coaches in the NFL are forced to watch torturous hours of political press conferences in order to master how NOT to offend and how NOT to say anything that hasn't been said a thousand times before. This type of demeanor is codified. Revealed for the first time anywhere is this excerpt from the 'NFL Policy Handbook for Head Coaches." In it, there are 10 things coaches are forbidden by, the league to say even though every fiber in their bodies screams out to the contrary. They are: 1. You know, this stuff about needing a ground game is a lot of junk. 2. We're just a bunch of beat pups; hell, I don't even know why we try. 3. Despite our 0-12 record, we're playing better hall than this stinking town deserves. 4. Gee, isn't the league commissioner's daughter just plain ol' butt ugly? 5. Next week, I'm going to go out and bet $1,000 on the other guys. 6. Fans, schmans. Who needs 'em? 7. Our receivers have great athieticism - they're just really, really dumb. 8. Hey, the GM went out and drafted all these losers. My hands are clean. 9. I've told the fellas to forget about the next game. It's the game AFFER that we need to concentrate on. 10. After a defeat like this, there's only one course of action: We're going to go back, watch the films - and then get spit-droolin' drunk and chase women. Chuck E of Madison has the grand finale: "What's going on with Wisconsin's commemorative quarter? A couple of years ago, I read about a survey being taken so citizens could voice their opinions on what the quarter should have on it. What's become of that?" Answer: You haven't been keeping up with the news, Chuck. Just last week it was announced the quarter is due out a year from now, and there's still a great deal of debate about its design. The state has whittled it down to three choices (and these are the honestagod truth): 1. A deer by a lake. (Awww.) 2. A French trapper trading goods with an Indian. (On the flip side, the trapper is shown walking away with the goods, and the Indian's on the ground, shot dead ... OK I made that up.) 3. A cow, an ear of corn and a hunk of cheese. (No. Really.) Farmers are pretty ticked at an art teacher in Janesville who was quoted by YOUR OWN hometown newspaper (the Capital Times) as saying the agricultural theme would make all of us in Wisconsin "look like Northern hillbillies." (Oh, right - as if we need a new quarter for that.) My suggestion (made a year ago in thissy-hair col-yume, by crackie) to feature a mosquito (WARNING: Tongue-twister coming up!) biting a beer-bellied brat-eater on his big ol' butt obviously fell on deaf ears. My vote goes with the deer-lake thingy. It's not every day you get to celebrate the greatness of our fair state AND combine messages about CWD and acid rain in a fell swoop. Opportunity knocks. Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306.