Canada can't play drug politics By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Now that the Legislature has adjourned for a bit and put this column on the back burner (more like on a SPIT), I can devote my attention to honestagod important things. F'rinstance ... Brienna F. of Allouez asks, "What's the down-side of buying drugs from Canada? If they're cheaper and do the same things as their USA-made counterparts, why is our government objecting to their sale here in the States?" Answer: Because, Brienna, U.S. election laws don't allow Canadian companies to contribute to candidates in this country. That leaves the road clear for American pharmaceutical firms to monopolize donations, and that's whom your elected officials are going to go to bat for. However, there are some little-known but laudable reasons why the federal Food and Drug Administration is warning us to avoid Canadian-made drugs. For example, in clinical trials conducted on a memory-enhancing drug manufactured by a Toronto-based company, one-tenth of one percent of all American patients developed a curious, speech-altering side-effect. Instead of saying, "What's for dinner, dear?" the studied subjects said, "Aww, jeese dere, toots. Wadda got fer eats, hey?" And, more incredibly, these patients were NOT from the U.P.! A teensie-weensie (but "statistically valid") sample of Americans who took an anti-arthritic drug made in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, mysteriously started hitting cans of tuna fish down grocery store aisles, body checking other customers into the shelves as they whizzed after the can. The message is clear: You are what you ingest. Hence, the ever-vigilant FDA, Brienna. Calvin S. of Rose Lawn asks: "For the last three days, I get this high-pitched, whining noise every time I turn right in my 1997 Buick LaSabre. I searched the Web to see if this is a common occurrence or if there have been any recalls on this model, but I found nothing. Do you have an explanation?" Answer: I sure do, Calvin. Has your cat been missing for a while now? Jerry H. of Seymour wraps it up for this week: "A guy at work told me heard about some kind of ÔMurderers Row' sports team. He asked me if I knew anything about it, and I had no idea what he was talking about. Can you help out here?" Answer: Of course. The reference is to a fantasy team made up of sports celebrities with team-appropriate names. Members of the team include the likes of Enos Slaughter, Johnny Blood, Hack Wilson, Johnny Lynch, Hank Smothers, Billy Garrote, Dave Winchester, Pistol Pete Maravich, Pete Gore, Jeff Gallows, Harmon Killebrew and Harry Caray. Their specialties: the sacrifice fly, the suicide squeeze and the run up the gut. It's a real do-or-die team, Jerry. Tom Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle and, as such, knows all and sees all. You can ask him anything through regular mail (P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, WI 54306) or e-mail, [email protected].