Funeral homes deal with season of sadness By Ray Barrington News-Chronicle The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and hope. That's not often true for those who have recently lost a family member to death. The carving of the turkey, the old ornament with a story, the every-year gift can be painful to see if it brings back memories of a loss. Several local funeral homes are trying to help people with those feelings this year, by providing special programs to assist those taking the loss especially hard at this time of year. One of the longest-running programs is "Coping During the Holidays" run by Blaney Funeral Home. It will be held Dec. 6. "We started this 15-16 years ago," said Ken Blaney, "because we had such a difficult year that year. We had several young people (die) and even a couple of murders. "We realized how some people at a time when you're supposed to be happy and jolly just dreaded the time, and the closer it comes, they more they dread it." What the programs offer is hope. "Even that (the program's) there gives them some hope. We place it between Thanksgiving and Christmas, trying to give them some hope they don't have to dread the Christmas-New Year period," Blaney said. The program includes three facilitators who provide advice and counseling to grieving family members. "One of the things we can do in the group is give some kinds of grass roots things people can do," Blaney said. Others have similar programs. Schauer & Schumacher plans its ninth annual "Hope for the Holiday" session Tuesday, while De Pere's Ryan Funeral Home holds a session called "Season of Light, Season of Hope" on Wednesday to discuss coping strategies. "The holidays are the hardest time," said Scott Baeten of Ryan. "We'll speak to people about the holidays, their grief and the different things they'll be experiencing." "Holidays, especially Christmas, are steeped in tradition," Blaney said. "That's why, even more than death date anniversaries or birthdays, Christmas is so much more difficult for people. Not only is it a traditional day where people have done the same things for so many years, but there's also such a lead up to it." Funeral homes are often the people who deal the most with the aftermath of a death in the family. They find themselves talking to loved ones long after a burial or service. "When I was in mortician school," Baeten said, "we had a little old lady who called at 2 a.m. every morning for two months after her husband died. We're just someone to talk to." While he often connects such people with grief counselors who can handle their emotional needs better, Baeten said, he also realizes that "a lot of them put a lot of emotional trust in us." Among the tips Blaney's session provides is to acknowledge the loss. "We suggest they can set a plate for a person to kind of acknowledge them. It's kind of like the big pink elephant in the room; nobody talks about it, but it's there," Blaney said. "We also suggest they give themselves permission not to do something, don't do the baking or whatever that you normally do. People feel it's their routine, and they can't get out of it." Understandably, the sessions are emotional. "The ones with the babies, who lose infants - it's just as emotional, as tough for them as the ones who were married for many years," Baeten said. "We have people who well up in tears and it's a good thing," Blaney said. The holiday sessions, he said, are designed to remind people that despite the loss, they still have their own lives. "It's really all about hope - that there is something better coming along," he said. FYI Holiday grief sessions scheduled by funeral homes include: "Hope for the Holiday," Schauer & Schumacher, Tuesday, 6:30-8 p.m., Riverside Ballroom. Reservations by Monday at 432-4841. "Season of Light, Season of Hope," Ryan Funeral Home, Wednesday, 6:15-7:30 p.m., De Pere Community Center. Registration starts at 5:30 p.m. Information at 336-3171. "Coping with the Holidays," Blaney Funeral Home, 1 p.m. Saturday, Rock Garden Supper Club. Reservations by Wednesday at 494-7447.