Ask a deer By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle We have just celebrated Wisconsin's holiest of seasons, that time when work and material gain and differences of opinion take a back seat to something far more important in God's grand design. I speak, of course, of deer hunting season. This most recent one was quite successful, I am told. A few more deer than hunters died and, more astonishingly, a full 69.3 percent of all hunting wives responding to a statewide survey said they are NOT contemplating filing divorce papers - at least for the time being. A survey of the deer, however, found widespread discontent and an intense (85.7 percent!) desire to be able to carry concealed weapons. Gov. Doyle, take note! Clark C. of Carlesville has the first question: "You hear a lot about the 'conservative agenda,' and this is always coming from some liberal-media source. What about the 'liberal agenda'? Don't tell me there isn't some end-all-be-all state that Bill Moyers and his ilk are out to achieve. "You're a little on the pink side, Brooker. Fill us in." Answer: I've always considered myself well-done, not pink, Clark, but I DO have inside information: There IS a liberal agenda and, smuggled to me by an old fishing buddy of Hubert Humphrey, it is revealed here for the first time ANYWHERE. Its most salient points: 1. Enact legislation mandating the licensing of squirt guns (naturally, after appropriate training courses are taken and passed) and an outright ban on "Super-Soakers." 2. Upgrade the Kyoto Protocol requiring all polluting nations (and we know who you are!) to get United Nations approval before increasing the production or consumption of any type of bean other than coffee. The U.N. could provide an exemption only if a proportionate amount of Beano is likewise consumed. 3. Extend endangered-species protection to mosquitos, dandelions and Democrats. 4. Transfer appointment power of U.S. Supreme Court justices from the president of the United States to the American Civil Liberties Union. Anyone belonging to the "Jews for Jesus" crowd is automatically disqualified. 5. Have all future presidents chosen not by members of the Electoral College but by the faculty of Amherst College. 6. Expand Roe v. Wade "free choice" options to include two groups. Not only could women decide the disposition of offspring within the first three months of pregnancy, but kids between ages of 13 and 17 would be fair game, too. 7. Establish a national health care plan that covers everybody other than wealthy Republicans. This would be a private-public venture between the government of the United States and Wal-Mart. The government would provide medical training to multitasking Wal-Mart greeters who could administer inoculations and dispense drugs to customers in checkout lines. The program would be funded by Rush Limbaugh's income taxes. 8. As a gesture of international goodwill, formally recognize the original land claims made by Spain and return to it the states of Arizona, Texas and Florida. Ralph F. of Green Bay serves up the last question. "I hear a local radio station is going to send a team to Iraq to talk to the troops, broadcast messages to them and distribute some goodies they really need. Any suggestions about what we can send over to them?" Answer: Indeed, Bill LuMaye from WTAQ-AM in Green Bay is off to Iraq on Saturday to bring good cheer to our fighting men and women, especially those in the local 432nd Civil Affairs Battalion. (Isn't it nice to know that if you're going to have affairs, we've got an organization to make sure they're civil?). Unfortunately, Ralph, the two things universally desired by our local troops you cannot provide: an airline ticket back home and a pizza from Sammy's. Everything else that will survive the trip and won't spoil is pretty much OK. P.S.: Fruitcake is NOT on the list of highly desired items. Personal Note: Good-bye, John Patrick Hunter, the legendary journalist and longtime editorial voice of The Capital Times in Madison, who died recently at age 87. Hunter worked at the Cap Times for 45 years, and in the annals of state journalism there was nobody like him. He was a straight shooter who asked the hard questions of everyone. He fought unflinchingly - sometimes as an army of one - for progressive principles and above-board government. He hated hypocrisy and loved exposing it. It took a near-death experience (bad ticker) to wrench him away from the newsroom in 1995 and force him into retirement. I can see Hunter right now at the Pearly Gates, notebook in hand, talking to St. Peter: "Hey, this is a pretty elaborate place you've got here. Where's the money coming from?" Tom Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through regular mail (P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, WI 54306) or e-mail, [email protected].