Strung out over Christmas? By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Forget the visions of dancing sugarplums. Something wicked this way comes, and it's not Rudolph or St. Nick or Frosty. Read on ... Arletta J. of New Franken writes: "I really don't know where to turn. As Christmas draws near, our family is getting closer and closer to the most dreaded event of the year - my husband hanging Christmas lights on the tree. Every year it's the same thing. He takes hours to unravel the strings he carelessly stashed away the year before. Half the strings don't work. He starts cussing a blue streak and, before you know it, the kids are crying, I'm furious, the dog is barking and the Christmas spirit is entirely ruined. "If I were a foot taller, I'd string them, but I can't. What can I do?" Answer: I'm sorry, Arletta, but I'm on your husband's side with this one. Every year when I have to string the lights, I encounter the same thing, and you can be sure I put God and Christ back into Christmas when that happens, only not in the manner the clergy would like. I invoke their names frequently while wrestling with these twinkle-less imported time bombs. These are the most worthless things ever invented, and I condemn to eternal hellfire the twisted monster who invented them. My experience is that about seven Leinies helps take the edge off the job, but they also dramatically increase the odds you'll fall into the tree at some juncture. My folks had it right, and now I know why: They flocked their tree and then had a colored spotlight shine on it. No little lightning-bug lights. Further, all the ornaments were the same color and size, and each one was made of indestructible plastic so you didn't have to waste time wrapping and handling them as though they were filled with nitro. When the tree came down, you could toss those suckers into a cardboard box just like shooting freethrows. Ditto with the plastic Jesus, the plastic sheep and the plastic kings. Swishhh! Sure, it all looked schlocky, but the whole household slept in heavenly peace when decorating day was done. So, my advice? Get some plastic ornaments and hang them. Get a spotlight. Tell everyone you flocked the tree green. Bob N. of Shirley asks: "I hear the old Kaaps Restaurant in downtown Green Bay served the best 'Tom and Jerrys' ever made. Do you know the recipe?" Answer: 'Tis the season for Tom and Jerrys, Bob, and how fondly I recall a bunch of us sitting at Kaaps trying to confuse the old ladies who took orders without writing anything down. One would have a T&J without cinnamon; another wanted his with extra cinnamon; a third asked for cinnamon on the side; a fourth wanted paprika, not cinnamon. We always failed. The old ladies NEVER screwed up an order. It was spooky. Rumor had it that owner Otto Kaap himself trained the waitresses, and told them if they ever made a mistake he had a cousin in Germany who would make them take showers - their LAST showers. But I had a chance to meet Otto before HE had his last shower, and he was a sweet guy, so I don't believe the rumors. I digress. The recipe for Tom's Tom and Jerrys: 1. Make the Tom. This is the rich batter into which you pour the Jerry. Good Tom is best made by going to the store and buying it. Some make it from scratch from eggs and sugar. Life's too short, so save the chickens their labor pains. 2. Make the Jerry. This is done by removing the tops from bottles of rum and brandy and pouring equal quantities of both into a container. 3. Put a dollop of Tom into a mug. 4. Heat the Jerry until its as hot as boil-over radiator fluid. 5. Pour the Jerry over the Tom. As much as you want. It doesn't matter. 6. Put a little sprinkle of cinnamon (or, if you're weird, paprika) on top of the Tom and Jerry. Or don't. Who cares? 7. Imbibe voraciously, cutting back the Tom and adding more and more Jerry with each passing mug. 8. Forget the Tom altogether. Or eat it separately with a spoon. Keep hammering the Jerry until you find yourself spectacularly funny or unconscious. There. Now you have partaken in a most cherished Wisconsin tradition. Now, go trim the tree.