It's a hard habit to break, I swear By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle Well, here we are again, back to the original intent of this column, which is to answer all the pressing Questions of Our Times as posed by you, my faithful readers. No more self-serving interviews, no more time off for goofy behavior, no cutesy flights of fancy. Just honestagod questions from honestagod readers to a hard-working, honestagod editor. Vamanos ... Johnny C. of Green Bay kicks off your highly intelligent questions: “Boy, did you get your butt kicked on the radio this week. Bill LuMaye tore you a new one because of your asinine editorial against the concealed-carry bill. How come you didn’t go on his show, even though he repeatedly challenged you to do so? Chicken?” Answer. Yes. I’m not a talk-show kinda guy. I stutter, stammer and frequently find myself issuing streams of profanities without even realizing it until some radio-show producer with a billy-club (a CONCEALED billy-club, mind you) conks me a good one. I got my foul mouth in a men’s dorm in college where every adjective started with F. In my freshman year, I went home for Christmas break, and my parents listened to me with ever-growing shock spread across their faces. Needless to say, I was NOT the one chosen to propose the traditional holiday toast when the Greater Brooker Family got together for yuletide cheer. It was a habit I was never able to shake. In the ensuing years, I told prospective employers I suffer from a subtle form of Tourette’s Syndrome, and hinted they’d be subjected to a federal lawsuit if they refused to hire me because of my handicap. I can control myself when I write, I told them, thus leading to my illustrious career in print. Now that I’ve finally confessed this terrible trait, Johnny, I feel much better. F- (oops, I mean “thank”) you. Cris J. of De Pere has highly intelligent question No. 2: “I see you’ve made fun of Houghton again in one of your snide columns and cut down Michigan Tech. Give it up. It’s getting old — just like you. Your wisecracks about this excellent engineering school have never been funny. In fact, your entire column pretty much limps. So, what college would you recommend, funny boy? (Yeah, like I really care ...)” Answer: As a matter fact, Cris, I just received an e-mail shilling a college I think is really worth a try. But, not being the pushy type, I think you should judge for yourself. Here’s the ad I found locked in the bowels of my e-mail server until I liberated it, right after I finished reading all the things I could buy to “Make Her REALLY Happy”: (Reader warning: The following passage is an honestagod e-mail that should not be read by young people attempting to acquire language skills. If you think this is bogus, go ahead — dial the phone number at the end. I dare ya. Double-dare ya.) “Get a dergee from a natoinal unviesrity! “In just 2 yaers you can have a mastres dergee from a natoinal unviersity. A better job, more inocme and a better life can all be yuors in just 2 years. No books to purhcase, no classes to go to, and no entarnce eaxms. Laern in your own home at your own pace. “We supply all the study materails, all you have to do is study and comlpete 2 tests per month. Call the nubmer below for more inforamtion. “1-646-514-6006.” The e-mail author is, no doubt, a product of this august institution. Feel free to give it a try, Cris, and I bet you’ll never have to bust hump at Michigan Tech again. Gary R. (one of my hundreds of thousand of Internet fans) in Colby ends the column with this one: “In your list of the stupidest events of 2003, I noticed you pregnantly avoided mentioning the year’s worst television ad. Is this because you people in the media are afraid of alienating an advertiser?” Answer: No, Gary, it’s because the stupidest ad was/is SO stupid I thought it went without saying. Everyone — even people from Colby — knows what I’m talking about: the (retch!) Microsoft Butterfly. Isn’t it bad enough that we have the eternally irritating Energizer Bunny whose lifespan is now beginning to approach that of Dick Clark’s? Wouldn’t the world be much more rewarding sans the Michelin Tire Tubbo? Did God really intend for His children to be subjected ceaselessly to the nails-on-chalkboard giggle of the Pillsbury Doughboy? NOoooo. As if life wasn’t irritating enough, now we’re bombarded by commercial after commercial of this pastel-frocked, bare-legged insect guy who looks and acts as though he just stepped out of a school play put on by Ritalin-riddled second-graders. Apparently Bill Gates has gone the way of Howard Hughes, again proving that too much money just makes you nuts. Now, be honest. When you see the Microsoft Butterfly, do you get a crazy impulse to run out and buy up all the copies of Windows NT you can get your sweaty hands on? No? Now there’s a shocker. The next time I see this knock-kneed bug stumbling across my television tube, you know what impulse I’M going to have to fight off? That’s right: The urge to run out and get a license to carry a concealed weapon. Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306.