There's a cure for it By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle This was the week for the annual physical, and my doc, a good guy about my age, opened it up as usual with his well-honed bedside manner. "So, how are you feeling?" "Pretty good, John. Physically, I'm OK, but emotionally ... I dunno. I feel like what I'm doing for a living no longer has any meaning." "Boy, that's strange," he said. "I feel the same way, too." I was not consoled by this, and I asked him if he could find a way to rededicate himself to his trade for just the next 45 minutes. He said he would if I'd spent an equal amount of time on just one more column. Hey, you don't argue with a guy who's just put on rubber gloves and is reaching for the Vaseline. Clarence C. of Ashwaubenon has the first question: "What in the world happened to the Milwaukee Brewers? I've been out of the country for four months on business. I get back to Wisconsin and I find everybody who was any good on the team is gone! Explain, please." Answer: Sure, Clarence - the Brewers have "right-sized" themselves. There was great interest and huge speculation about behind-the-scenes wrangling, fist fights with agents, appeals to team loyalty, threats, public hearings - the whole ball of wax. But, alas, to no avail. The Brewers were unable to keep The Bratwurst who, despite having the best record in the seventh-inning-stretch races against his peers, became a free agent this winter and was lured away by the fame and big money offered by the Cleveland Indians. "I've got a wife and little brats at home to feed, and sometimes you have to say the hell with loyalty and grab the megabucks," he explained. It's not like the old days, Clarence, when a brat would race for the pure joy of it, being thankful for simply having made it to The Bigs. Do not despair. The Brewers, in a brilliant cost-cutting measure, are requiring Geoff Jenkins to take Big Brat's place. It's in the fine print of his new $23 million contract extension. (He also has to clean the pigeon poop off the Miller Park dome every other month.) Who says Bud Selig doesn't know what he's doing? Kathy T. of Suamico posits this: "The Democrats took their best shots, and guess what? George Bush is still standing and running strong in the polls. What do you think is going to happen when the Republicans have their convention and all the media hype swings over to him? I'll tell you what: WIPE OUT! It's four more years for sure! Eat your hearts out, liberal-media-types (and, yes, that includes you, and you KNOW it)!" Answer: Whoah, Katie, holster your howitzer! I agree with you. I think the odds are great that Team Bush will have another four years just by using the power of incumbency. I understand that, by executive order, Team Bush has made some minor adjustments to our election laws, and possibly, just POSSIBLY, these might help the GOP. The executive order starts with the simple premise that says, "No job, no vote." That saves about 7 million votes against him right there, and who can fault the logic? You don't work in this country, you don't get to vote for its leaders. Another part of the executive order requires first-time voters to present three forms of ID in order to register: a drivers license or state ID card, a membership card to the National Rifle Association, and a marriage certificate issued anywhere in the United States (except for Massachusetts and San Franciso). In the South, there will be one more step for new voters: a return to the tried-and-true days of a citizenship test to qualify for voting. Here are some of the questions being asked: 1. Do you know who is the governor of California? (A "no" answer or guessing Dianne Feinstein disqualifies you from voting.) 2. Abraham Lincoln, (also known as the Greatest President the World Has Ever Seen, Rivaled Only by Ronald Reagan) was a member of WHAT party? 3. What overweight, liberal, pinko-commie U.S. Senator drove his car off a bridge in a drunken stupor, saved his own worthless life and left his young, innocent, female aide (and probably one of many of his unwilling mistresses) to drown a miserable, lonely death and then used his family name and wealth to cover it up? 4. What party did HE belong to, and what does that tell you about them? 5. Regardless of what she says or what she does or how little you really know about her, do you hate Hillary Rodham Clinton with a passion equal to Satan and all his demonic minions? 6. True or false: A woman's ova and a man's sperm have the right to get a car loan? 7. Multiple choice: Saddam Hussein should be ... a. Accorded visits by the Red Cross and subjected to prosecution by due process of international law? b. Tortured and injected with truth serum until he divulges where he hid all those weapons of mass destruction (and you know they DO exist)? c. Staked out nude in the desert on a hill of fire ants, his body covered with honey, with Commanche women trilling death yodels while his body is reduced to sawdust? (HINT: only one of these answers is wrong and will prohibit you from voting.) Now, some picky ACLU-types have claimed the executive order goes a teensie-weensie too far, but Team George is more than willing to subject the fairness of this measure to the ultimate democratic test: Let the U.S. Supreme Court decide. Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306.