The 62-billion-dollar idea By Tom Brooker News-Chronicle It's election season, and sometimes that prompts people to think about basic governance. Here's a sample of what I mean... Maureen O. of Manitowoc asks: "How much would the taxpayers save if we cut the Legislature to part-time without any benefits? Isn't it the height of hypocrisy for state legislators to push for TABOR (the Taxpayer Bill of Rights) when they refused to raise taxes to address a budget deficit they created?" Answer: We could probably cut a couple of million, Maureen, but why set our sights so low? Let me paint you a picture (WARNING: The following are honestagod facts, something loyal readers of this column may find so shocking that it might be wise to dial 911 right now): In the last biennium, the state of Wisconsin spent just about $60 billion. Compared to that, what the Legislature spent on itself - a measly $124 million - didn't amount to giraffe spit. Each of our 132 legislators gets an annual stipend of $45,569 plus $88 bucks a day to cover food, lodging, parking tickets, escort services and the like. They also get money to pay their staffs. These aides draft legislation, research issues, handle complaints and requests, ghost-write letters, yadayadayada; in short, they do everything the pols were elected to do. (The fact alert has ended. You may hang up your phone now.) So, Maureen, it's pretty obvious we don't need these elected people AT ALL, which leads me to an obvious conclusion: It's high time we privatize the public sector. That's right - outsource the whole works. In fact, we have states all over the country being run into the ground by people who should have been "right-sized" long ago. We could form a co-op and farm out running the states at a rock-bottom, group price. Hey, none of this government stuff is astrophysics. You collect money and spend it on education, law enforcement and prisons, roads and welfare. Poof. Finito. End of story. For each one of these jobs, I'll betcha a private organization is already set up to do it better. F'rinstance... Education. You can go on the Internet right now and find e-schools that provide a MASTERS degree in less than two months. If that's the case, they should be able to squeeze in a piddly little grade school education in a week and a high school diploma in a couple of days. We'd save billions. Law and order. Let's see ... we have to maintain discipline, put rowdies in their place and administer punishment. I can think of no better outfit for the job than the Order of the Sisters of St. Francis Assisi. I'm not talking about your modern-day Franciscans, who all look like they belong in the secretarial pool at Sentry Insurance. No, I'm talking about the ones who educated us back in the '50s and '60s, the ones who used their belts, yardsticks and pointers to raise welts on our backs, the ones who year after year were thrown into a lions' den of 50-plus monstrous kids and always came out on top wearing necklaces of fangs. We need tough cookies to administer justice in our states, and these no-nonsense nuns fit the bill to a tee. Sure, we'd have to bring them out of retirement, and sure they may be a tad old. But that's all to the good. They're probably bored stiff and need the money. I bet they'd come cheap. And if you think they were mean 40 years ago, how much meaner do you think they are now, saddled with constipation and riddled by unending arthritic pain? Whoa! I wouldn't want to be the con who crossed them! Drug use in prison? Hah! They won't even be allowed to chew gum. Solitary confinement? Child's play: Really bad guys get banished to the coatroom, living off black bananas heisted from lunchboxes until someone comes to pick them up at the end of their sentences. Any citizen steps out of line, forget about judges and jurors and namby-pamby stuff like that: They go right to Mother Superior's office where justice is meted out swiftly and appropriately. There. We just saved buckets of billions and put some perversely talented people back into the work force. Roads and bridges: Outsource this to Singapore where they're building 380-story skyscrapers for the same amount we spend filling in potholes on I-43. This money comes out of taxes on gasoline, so look for gas to go down to about 36 cents a gallon. You're gonna love it, and Singapore will soon become our 51st state. Welfare. Here, two great, growing forces combine: the burgeoning class of American down-and-outers and the need for help at Wal-Mart (which has plans on the board right now to put a supercenter within two blocks of every Baptist church in the nation). In fact, Maureen, now that I think of it, we could just sell the whole shebang to Wal-Mart which, the last I heard, had revenues equivalent to the gross national product of the Milky Way Galaxy. It might even sublease chores to the nuns and Singapore. (Oops! I forgot - Wal-Mart already owns Singapore, so there's ANOTHER saving!) Just think of it. Need a drivers license? Aisle 7. Our quadriplegic greeter will escort you there. Want to catch some walleye? There's a chain of lakes at the end of Aisle 12. We have a manic-depressive associate stocking it right now. Need to get through 7th grade? The computer center is right next to the State Fair at the back of the store. It's being taught by a single mom whose husband abandoned her 12 years ago. He's our store manager. What? You're curious about that beeping noise coming over the public-address system? It's a code. We just caught a shoplifter, and we're summoning Mother Superior. - Tom Brooker is editor of The Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through regular mail (P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, WI 54306) or e-mail, [email protected].