Prepare to be Bushwhacked By Curt Andersen News-Chronicle Because I’m a Liberal, I like to help people. With the tough times we are facing now, what with an economy in the toilet (in spite of the phony baloney Pollyanna upbeat statistics the Conservatives are attempting to pass off on us); and with our finger in the wringer in Iraq; with jobs galloping out of the country like horses with their tails afire; with the environment trashed like never before, it would seem that we all need to help each other, if George W. Bush is elected in 2004. My first offer is the following advice for people who will lose their homes when the economy totally tanks. Yes, indeedy, homes will be worth zilcho when the bottom drops out of the economy. That great big pseudo-mansion with the enormous windows up to h’yar…it’ll be worth peanuts when no one can afford to buy it and the owner can’t afford to pay the taxes. The wealthy vultures will always have the money to buy homes from the rest of us suckers, ala’ the carpetbaggers. They are a predatory lot and will offer ten cents more than the other guy. Owners might want to consider renting rooms to those who still have jobs but can’t afford to live in a fancy garage or garden shed, let alone a huge pleasure dome like Xanadu. A big honkin’ place with 5 bedrooms with 5 baths…that’s 5 boarders…maybe 10, right there…minimum! That might help pay for a house even though it’s worth less than the mortgage still due. Owners can provide meals and laundry services at extra cost, along with extra charges for heat, light, and water. That should help a bit. Those who will not fare well in the case of a Bush election (not “re-election”) will be happy to know there is lots of room to live in relative security under bridges. You must avoid the Main Street Bridge in downtown Green Bay. Fall asleep under there and you will soon roll into the river and be one with the three-eyed carp. Instead, try the Mason Street Bridge or the 172 overpass. Whereas there is no heat under these bridges and overpasses, there is protection from rain and some shelter from snow. Stuffing your boots with moss and dried leaves can keep your feet warm for hours and hours. It worked pretty well at Valley Forge. Those lucky enough to own an SUV can pat themselves on the back because they have a place to sleep that can be locked. You’ll be able to keep your aluminum cans safe from predatory bag ladies and street urchins. You won’t be able to afford the gas to drive it, and the tires will soon rot off the wheels, but think of the comfort of sleeping on those nice bench seats with the rest of your family. Try sleeping in shifts…in the Navy they call it hot-bunking. One gets up and someone else lies down in a warm bed. Food will be a major concern, especially with everyone out there stalking the wild asparagus. To get the jump on the slower of our species, go to a bookstore now, and find a book on edible wild plants. Study it. That’s step one. Those decorative flowering crab trees will provide sustenance throughout the hard winter months, though competition for the fruit will be stiff. Learn ways to attract pigeons, doves, robins, blackbirds, and English sparrows for a tasty meal full of protein. Save the feathers for your bedding or to stuff into your jacket. Wild onions abound in certain areas, but don’t pick them all the first year or you can kiss them goodbye forever. Leave some of the bulbs for seed. Sustainability will have new meaning. Wild onions can add zest to a boring meal of grubs and worms. Prepare for hard times by purchasing fishing line, hooks and sinkers. If you live along the Fox River, even those toxic walleyes and carp are better than nothing. Sure, your body, wracked with cancerous lesions, will end up being hazardous waste in a short time, but what’re you gonna do? Eat some nice dandelion greens to keep your diet balanced. Look for dandelions that are not in a yard that has been soaked in pesticides for years and years. Toothpaste and brushes will likely be hard to come by. Look for odd bits of coarse twine for use as floss…that may save your teeth from falling out. Having no teeth can be a problem for proper nutrition, so this is important. Toilet paper….this will be less of a problem sometimes, because you won’t be eating all that much. Other times, what you eat, like roadkill one-day-too-old, will tear through you so fast that you’ll still be chewing the last of it when the scours arrive. Key words: leaves three, let it be. Otherwise, check ditches for old bits of paper. Avoid labels from broken beer bottles, no matter how safe they appear. I believe it was Wyatt Earp who said, “In America, everyone gets the same amount of ice. The rich get theirs in the summer. The poor get theirs in the winter.” If you want heat, think back on those handy reflector ovens you built from a #10 can in scout camp. Just find an old 55-gallon drum, cut it open with a sharp rock so that it can be uncoiled to reflect sunlight on its inner surfaces. Polish the inside with coarse sand until shiny. Use this to keep warm or even cook food. This solar oven will also help keep your shoes warm and dry in the coldest weather. At night, roll the barrel over and use it for protection from roving gangs of the hungry masses. Speaking of hungry masses, Bush may shove through some new religious mandates that will include laws against birth control. You will have your own hungry masses tugging at your sleeves, wailing for food. Bush knows best so he will force everyone into his religion, or into slave labor camps where non-believers and those who only attend church when it’s convenient, will be “re-educated.” Then we’ll be able to compete with China. For entertainment, sing with the others in your new Bushtown Choir. If you get enough people together, you can usually come up with at least three verses of any song. Try songs like: Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out; My Name is Morgan, But It Ain’t J.P.; or, A String of Pearls (ala’ Woolworths). You can forget TV, movies, and tropical vacations. Forget dining in restaurants. Forget about driving spiffy roadsters…you’ll be riding Shank’s Mare. Learn the shortcuts and try to multi-task while walking. Teach your 12 kids the ABCs and multiplication tables. Have the sturdy little tykes carry cargo for a price…while they’re learning. What was I thinking? Having Bush serve another term guarantees winter camp-outs, barbecued food, hiking, learning while working outdoors, and sing-alongs. That might sound like a nice summer vacation for some. How hardy are you? Curt Andersen is a Green Bay native. He is a 4-year Navy veteran (Communications Technician, CTO2), (who, unlike President Bush, served his entire hitch), owns a small business, is vice president of Clean Water Action Council, and is an adjunct instructor at Northeast Wisconsin Technical College. You may contact Mr. Andersen at [email protected]