How to get eaten alive by alligators Column By Tom Brooker Let it be known there is no truth to the rumor I was forced to spend the last dozen or so days in the Texas Air National Guard. You can ask anyone in that unit if they saw me (I would certainly stand out in a crowd of young Top Gunners as "the old bald guy"). They would say, "No, I didn't see Brooker." That would be proof enough I wasn't there. Right ... ? Well, to matters at hand. While I was actually away on a secret mission for a friendly, foreign government - that pretty well limits the possibilities, doesn't it - the mail just piled up on my desk, and it's not going to go away by itself. As in times past, to whip through as many of your inquiries as possible, I will skip the questions, most of which are written in Wisconsineze and are barely intelligible, and go right to the answers, which is the part you crave anyway, an' so? - - - - To Justin G. in Brussels: It is not coincidental that the words "herpes" and "herpetology" come from the same Greek root word "herpein", which means to slither or crawl along on one's belly. You all remember the Greek myth of strongman Herpulese who built his physique from doing pushups, which meant half the time his gut was in the dust. It's obvious why herpein is applied to the study of reptiles, but how it latched onto a pretty loathsome disease is a fascinating story. Dr. Gradius Cornblatt, known throughout medical circles as "The Father of Herpes" (he was also known by his few friends as "The Guy Who Can Never Get a Date") at first thought herpes was contracted by males who attempted to mate with reptiles, specifically Florida alligators. Through trial studies, he found this practice usually resulted NOT in contracting the disease, but rather a more rapid failure of health, today known as being eaten alive by angry alligators. Even though his theory proved false, the name he gave the disease stuck. Cornblatt mysteriously disappeared in Africa where, he told his colleagues, he was off to study elephantiasis. - - - - To Margaret M. of Allouez: You are correct. Not only does This Week embrace Dave Barry's "National Talk Like a Pirate Day," but we also celebrate "The International Crusade to Liberate All Border Collies" (created under United Nations' Resolution BC-208a), "Be Kind to People Even If They're from Montana Day," and "National Give the Kitty a Little Booze Just for Yucks Day." Hey, Maggie, don't look at me! I didn't invent this sick stuff. - - - - To John F. of Ashwaubenon: Yes, you are absolutely right. It is against the law in your fair village to own, possess, create or even consort with anything vaguely resembling a sidewalk. The punishment is 15 years of being forced to walk in the street through slush and muck and have your kids drive their big wheels in front of oncoming traffic and your grandparents zip their wheelchairs around garbage trucks. No, wait a minute. I got that wrong. That's what REGULAR citizens of Ashwaubenon have to do. - - - - To Kay O. of Green Bay: Your nose was not deceiving you. That was a cloud of tailgate smoke coming from the parking lot of Lambeau Field last Monday, even though our greenangold gods were actually playing in Carolina later that evening. This was NOT due to abnormal Packers loyalty, as you claim. It was because that particular Monday was beautiful, and a couple of hundred husbands found it to be a very clever way to treat the family while dodging the chore of grass cutting. There may be something under those cheesehead-hats after all, Kay. - - - - To Patrick B. of Fence: The windmills in Kewaunee County are, in the parlance of MBA-Speak, "site-specific." That means the juice they produce doesn't get mixed in with the nuke juice from the lakeshore, nor the coal juice from Green Bay's Pulliam plant. No, it's kept aside exclusively to power Gervais Vanderschloop's llama farm just north of Euren. Wind turbines just might be the hope of the future, Patrick, and Gervais generously volunteered his farm as a test site. There, officials from Wisconsin Public Service can precisely monitor the efficiency of the nearly two-dozen turbines generating electricity free whenever the wind is blowing. The results are extremely exciting and hopeful. Indeed, next week WPS plans to add a second light bulb in the barn getting its power exclusively from the wind. Takes your breath away, doesn't it? - - - - Finally, to Peter K. of Egg Harbor: I did as much research on this as I could, and failed to find any evidence your community is about to be annexed by Cook County in Illinois. That doesn't mean it WON'T happen, mind you. When one municipality owns more than 50 percent of the land value in another municipality, it has a fighting-good chance of legally snarfing up the whole shebang. All I was able to uncover was that a guy named Daley has moved there and is circulating a petition to run for Egg Harbor village president. He wants to make sidewalks mandatory. God, they'd lynch him in Ashwaubenon. Tom Brooker is editor of the Green Bay News-Chronicle. You can ask him anything through e-mail ([email protected]), or write to him at P.O. Box 2467, Green Bay, 54306.