So. here's waddeye reely want to knw ... Column By Tom Brooker It's been a long, hard week. Gruesome, really. And hanging over my head the whole time was this column. I'm now writing it at some god-awful late hour and, to tell you the truth, I've choked back a couple-two-tree Leinies to prime the pump, you know, to get the creative and intellectual juices flowing so they can gush over this narrative in their usual, brilliant fashion. Truth be told, I'd chuck this damn column in a Chinaman's second if it weren't for some stupid sense of guilt over leaving all you hundreds of thousands of loyal readers in the lurch. Ah, well. What the hell... Hold on a sec, and let me grab another cold one, and then I'll dig into your questions ... Won't take long. Keep your pants on. ... Ahh... Hoo boy ... there ... Okay. Questions questions questions. Let's bring 'em on, hey? John F. of the Village of Ledgeview (which doesn't look much like a village to me; just a bunch of houses sprawling up onto the ledge, I mean doesn't a village have to have something like a village square, a nicely painted village firehouse, a village goofball ranting in front of a village apothecary shop, you know? I mean, what little ceramic village that you put under the Christmas tree has just a bunch of look-alike houses spreading up a ledge, for god's sake, huh? (Wait a minute... got to go to the fridge ... Yeah!... Mmm-MMM!) ... Anyway, this John guy writes, "Given the transcendental nature of all humans and their foibles, why do you people in the news business devote so much attention to political debates bereft of substance, filled with vacuous, self-serving drivel, the sine qua non of insulting pandering?" Answer: Sine schmeenay. What I want to know, I mean a REALLY good question - maybe not transcendental, but at least dental - is why Ruthie, my very first love, dumped me. Who did she think she was, anyway? Sure, I had three cowlicks and kind of a big schnozz, but, I mean, she wasn't exactly Miss America, ya know? Kinda flat-chested. Kinda?! Her body looked like a pizza with two pieces of sausage on it. The kind you'd get at Pizza ZIPPO, ya know? ... She has no idea how much she hurt me. ... Ah, the hell with it. I'm over it. ... Time out... Need another brewski ... All right, all right... Ready now... Next question ... Linda M. of Hobart asks "I've read that the Bush administration has the worst environmental record since corporate polluters ran roughshod over the land in the 1880s. Does this jibe with your analysis, or are we simply being misled by hysterical tree-huggers?" Answer: Ya know, I took Ruthie to the prom, fer god's sake. Spent honestagod REAL money on her. Bought her some of those flower thingies you hold in yer hand, wazzit called, a gay nose or sumpthin like that. End of the night I goes to put a smooch to her and she turns her skinny head to allow me - ALLOW ME, fer god's sake - to give her a peck on the cheek. Oh, THANK you, yer royal highness! God, I'm so privelige, er, privvealgd, er, HONORED! Yeah, that's it. Honored. You did me a real favor to let me lick the Clearasil from your bumpy puss, honeybuns! ... Brother. ... I need a nother frosty one. Wate minute, wate minute. This won't take long. Probably pee, too. Maybe this will take a lillbit longer. Be rite back. ... OK. Yeah, the question thing. Here's nother one of yer damn, stupid questions ... Gotta get the wife to tipe it fer me. Got trubble with the ol peepers ...Won't take but a minute. Mite pee again, too ... (NOTE: I am going to type this question, but believe you me, there's going to be a reckoning in the morning. Who in the world is this Ruthie? And why am I just learning about her NOW? I am so furious that, for once, I'm NOT going to keep this FOOL I live with from revealing to the whole world just what a box of rocks he actually is. Just this one question, then I'm going back to bed, and let the chips fall where they may - Mrs. Brooker ... at least for the time being!) Kate S. of Seymour (I bet he knows HER, too!) writes, - What have you heard about the oncoming winter? With the summer temperatures teeter-tottering, the early flooding and then the late summer drought, what does that portend for this winter? Some say we will experience record colds (oh, he's going to find out about record colds, let me assure you!). Do you agree?" Answer: Thanks, lil wifey! Be up to bed in a minnut. Jus bout dun wiff the coluum, thaks to you, sweat heart ... Ukkay, ukkay ... Where waz I? Yah. Ukay... Ruthie. Ya know, she had such beyutiful green eyes. I wonce had a dog with grate big green eyes, too. Mayee brown, I ferget, but god jus beayful eyes. Butt he lookd sad allatime. Brake yer hart wehn he looked atcha. Bet some beeHITCH dumped him, too! ... Pur guy ... Did I tell ya we god new owners? PAPERWORK!? jeese, lemme tel you sumpen bout the new owners and all the frikken paperwrk - (That's it! By God, that's it! I'm cutting this "column" off right here and now! I've got to show my face in public tomorrow, and I'm not going to let a "husband" - and I define that VERY loosely - whose brain is like a mushy potato floating in a Leinenkugel's stew, humiliate me more than he already has! "Ask an Editor" is officially signing off. I'm going to leave him right where he is, sprawled out on the floor, and go through those shoe boxes he's always stashed WAY back on the closet shelf. And then, I've got the number of a lawyer I've been keeping close at hand ...) - jeese, I luffed Ruthee ... she had this tite lil... OWWW!